Mike Bridenstine's Tumblr Thing

The Tea Party Convention

I kinda think we can stop saying Sarah Palin is dumb all the time.  Yes, she is dumb.  But at what point does anybody really think that one of her supporters is going to suddenly change their mind and think, “Okay. That was the last straw”?  They’re not.

They want a moron as President.  That’s what they want.  You’ve heard them bash intellectuals and elites and praise Scott Brown for having a fucking truck.  Calling her a moron only makes her stronger.

The Tea Partiers don’t want the truth, anyway.  They just want a reinforcement of what they’re thinking and what they want to hear.  It’s basically the same reason I don’t go to therapy.

And Tom Tancredo’s speech?  Whoa boy.

I think the Tea Partiers have their historical reference wrong.  They hate immigrants and want to torture Muslims, but they love Jesus?  That’s not the Tea Party.  That’s the Spanish Inquisition.

It can all be explained by pro wresting.  One of the most hated wrestlers when I was growing up was Macho Man’s brother, The Genius.  He used to come out in a graduation robe and read poetry.  That pissed people off!

It’s hilarious to me that every WWF/WWE character who is smart is a villain.  And the most beloved (in an odd way) were guys like “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and George “The Animal” Steele and the Bushwhackers.  The dumber, the better.

It’s been a revelation to me of late how pro wrestling can explain things like stand-up comedy, all of entertainment and now politics.  Sarah Palin is “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  That’s all she is.  She’s “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  You know, if he wrote, “Hoooooooooooooooo!!!” and “U-S-A!” on his hand.

Raiders Fans

Am I supposed to think Raiders fans are scary?  Became half of them look like if Skeletor from He-Man had a leather fetish.

And the other half just look like assholes from Oakland.

I’m way more scared of the latter.  Skeletor isn’t real.  But a guy from Oakland might stab me for this post.

I Am An Inventor

I want to invent a pushup bra for women with big, saggy boobs called “The Hindenburg.”

When you unclasp the back, you’ll hear the voice of an old timey radio announcer saying, “Oh, the humanity!”

I Finally Saw Avatar

I don’t know what could possibly be said about Avatar at this point that hasn’t already been said.  It was the first time I’d ever seen a movie after it had become the highest-grossing movie (domestically and internationally) of all time.  But I’ll try.

1.  Zoe Saldana must feel amazing about her looks, considering everyone wants to bang Neytiri, and Neytiri is a weird blue alien.  It’s also interesting that the actress’ name is more exotic than her alien character’s.

2.  I saw the movie with comedian, Eric Andre.  At one point he turned to me (with his 3D glasses on, which somehow makes it funnier) and asked if the actor who plays Jake Sully is really crippled.  I said, “No.  That’s Sam Worthington.”  And he said, “Look at his legs!”  To which I replied, “Yeah, there’s also no such thing as dragons.”  Andre laughed for the next four minutes.  3D glasses still on.

3.  I’ve heard enough people say, “I liked Avatar the first time I saw it when it was called Fern Gully” to wonder what the fuck is going on.  Avatar has made over a billion dollars.  Last time I checked BoxOfficeMojo, six people saw Fern Gully.  So… Biggest Movie Ever vs. Nobody Saw It.  Somebody is lying.

4.  If you want to insert Pocahontas or Dances With Wolves for Fern Gully, be my guest.  Now you’re just naming movies with Indians.  And the South Park joke, where they call it “Dances With Smurfs” is funny, but they’re really just taking a movie with Indians, and something that’s blue.  Okay.  Here’s the only acceptable line from now on…

“I liked it better the first time I saw it, when it was called Slumdog Blueberries.”

Okay.  That is all.