May 2012
2 posts
So… thank you to whoever told @DougBenson to...
April 2012
7 posts
The Roast From Portland is Now on iTunes. Get It.... →
Here's A Great Review of My Roast Show from... →
Wanna Hear Me Do Nerdy WrestleMania Talk on... →
My Schedule for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival is... →
March 2012
7 posts
I Have A Big Dumb Head
When I was in Little League, they had to special order a batting helmet for me that could fit around my big dumb head. If one of the other idiots on the team wore my special helmet by accident and was on base, we either had to trade or I’d go up to bat with a tiny kid’s helmet perched on top of my giant head like a two-story goddamn disgrace. Before that, in second grade, my neighbor...
New @Gentscum with @Corneezy →
My First Memory
I realized today that my first memory in life might be hating a boy named Timmy. That’s a sad fact, and it kinda shows you too much about what kind of life I’ve led, but it’s true. Hate, of course, is a strong word. And that’s exactly why the fuck I’m using it. I wasn’t even three years old. But I can still picture this kid. And when I do, I feel the tiny...
Roast the Week is Headed to Portland →
The Week in Review
- “Kony 2012” director, Jason Russell, was arrested for masturbating in public. He really should have stuck to tugging heartstrings and jerking tears.
- Joseph Kony might be hard to catch. Because, much like Michael Crighton’s movie career, he was last seen in the Congo.
- Rush Limbaugh defended Joseph Kony back in October. In his own defense, Rush said he would have...
New Gentlemen Scumbags with @JohnRoycomic →
The Last Thing I'll Post About Chris Brown
Last week, I posted an innocuous Tweet about Chris Brown. Well, it wasn’t “innocuous” in that I said I wanted him to kill himself with poison, but it was innocuous in that I don’t really care that much about celebrities. I really don’t. I just thought the joke worked (14 ReTweeters can’t be wrong!). But what surprised me was the blowback I got for posting...
February 2012
6 posts
Heard Anything About Jeremy Lin or Whitney Houston...
I’ve been busy. But a week after my monthly roast show, I like to clean up my RSS feed with the stories that probably won’t make it to next month’s show. And if you think people will still be talking about Jeremy Lin and Whitney Houston a month from now, you’re out of your mind. But that’s who dominated the last two weeks, so let’s talk about it.
This guy...
The Worst Super Bowl Analysis You'll Read
The Super Bowl. The biggest day in American sports. Weeks of analysis and years of preparation go into this thing, just so I can have people over to watch the game and have most of them care way more about the Puppy Bowl. In order of importance, Super Bowl Sunday went 1) Puppy Bowl, 2) Madonna, 3) Commercials, 4) Actual Game. Today, Republicans can’t decide whether or not they’re...
SPORTZ!
I’ve been cleaning up my RSS feed to write current events jokes for my show next week (Roast the Week - Wednesday at 10:30 at the Improv Lab) and since the Super Bowl is only hours away, I thought I’d go through the sports stories first.
Super Bowl XLVI is being played between two teams that shouldn’t even be there with two quarterbacks everybody hates. Even worse, the game is...
2012: The Robot Moon War with China
The Future. Do you guys remember the future? It was going to be the amazing. We were supposed to have flying cars and hover boards and dinners in pill form. Now all we have is HPV, Apple products and type 2 diabetes. We stink. We’re twelve years into the New Millennium and we hadn’t done one goddamn future-y thing. But last week changed all that. Mark it down because...
January 2012
4 posts
2012: A Year in Review
Boy, 2012. What a year, huh? Especially if you like Jesus and football. Or (in the case of Tim Tebow) both, which is probably why he’s been a thing so far this year. We’re half way through January, so I thought I’d give my way-too-early Year in Review.
Politics
Friday night on Real Time with Bill Maher, they touched on the fact that front-runner, Mitt Romney, is hard to...
We Should Be Happy It's 2012
This story is a few weeks old, but I’ve been cleaning up my RSS feed and I read that Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 special was down 30% in viewers from the previous year. Then I looked up who the fascinating people were. The Kardashians, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet, Simon Cowell, Donald Trump, Derek Jeter, Katy Perry, Pippa Middleton, Herman...
December 2011
4 posts
Observations From 20 Years of Iowa Life
You know what’s fun? Coming back to Iowa just in time for a University of Iowa journalism professor to write an article in The Atlantic about how shitty and backwards the state is. The article was written by Stephen G. Bloom, whom I knew as the author of Postville: A Clash of Cultures in Heartland America - a book where he pretends Hasidic Judaism ISN’T super fucking weird. The reason for...
Coming Soon to iTunes. The Best of the Gentlemen...
The Gentlemen Scumbags are coming out with a best of album that’ll be on iTunes very soon. It features Matt Braunger, Kyle Kinane, Sean Patton, Rory Scovel, James Adomian, Pete Holmes and a ton of our other scummy friends. Here’s a full track listing, which will is hosted by Mike Burns and me, as well as our producer, the hilarious Patrick Melton…
1. Chub O’Rama...
Baseball Nerd Talk: Ron Santo, the 19th Century...
I’ve heard enough Cubs fans gripe about Ron Santo posthumously getting into the Hall of Fame this year, that I wanted to address it. Yes, it sucks that he didn’t get to live long enough see his induction. Yes, his speech would have been amazing. But isn’t it obvious that Santo’s death was the reason he finally got inducted in the first place? That’s not just me...
The Best Songs of 2011
First things first - I’m not very cool. At all. And I’ve accepted that. I don’t look cool. I don’t say cool things. I actually racked my brain to think of one cool thing about myself and came up empty. On the other hand, thinking of uncool things was really easy.
- Last night I talked shit to a professional wrestler from the stage at a comedy show because I wanted...
October 2011
10 posts
Rob Delaney: I got an email forward from my dad... →
Subject: Democracy In Action
Warren Buffett, in a recent interview with CNBC, offers one of the best quotes about the debt ceiling: ”I could end the deficit in 5 minutes,” he told CNBC. “You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP,…
I like when people get excited about politics and whatnot, but this isn’t a real thing.
...
New Gentlemen Scumbags with John Roy →
WatchI only got 2 things out of that Brewers game.
WatchHere’s a new video for TJ Miller’s song, “Now We’re Partying.” I’m in it lookin’ fresh.
September 2011
15 posts
WatchPicking on 2 of my college roommates from the stage in Chicago.
Mike Burns on NLO. @gentscum, @nlo, @pmelt,... →
I Care Too Much About College Football (Week 3)
Hey, it’s week 3. Did you see the Iowa-Pitt game? Seriously. Did you see that game? Your loss. Anyway, here’s what happened.
#1 Oklahoma beat #5 Florida State 23-13.
Okay, fine. Both teams are legit. I kinda had a hard time believing it after last year. EJ Manuel got hurt and FSU really doesn’t have a running game. And Landry Jones didn’t have that great of a...
WatchThis is the role @Natecraig1 was born to play. Besides this one.
