Mike Bridenstine's Tumblr Thing

 

The White Sox won three games against three different teams and got in the ALDS.  It’s the first time since 1906 that the Cubs and the White Sox will be in the post-season at the same time.  

 vs.

There’s gotta be pressure on these Cubs.  This is the 100 year anniversary of (ugh) 1908.  And everyone knows that.  And 97 wins is the most by any Cubs team since (ugh) 1945, the last year the Cubs reached the Series.  That was also the year of the billy goat.  Then 1969 had the black cat at Shea Stadium.  Then 1984 had Leon Durham’s botched play at first base.  And 2003 had Steve Bartman.  It’s not that something like this happens every post-season.  Last year the Cubs were swept by the Diamondbacks in 3 games.  So what’s it gonna be this year, Cubs?  100 years, a no-hitter by Carlos Zambrano, a song by Eddie Vedder.  What’s going to happen?      

These Joe Torre-led Dodgers are better than their record.  This would be a great story for Torre, as he was just snubbed at the close of Yankee Stadium in the first year since 1994 that the Yankees failed to make the post-season.  He even looks better in Dodger Blue than he ever did as a mob boss Yankee manager.  Torre also took shit from Yankee owner Hank Steinbrenner about his lowly Dodgers making the playoffs over more-deserving teams.  The opportunity to shove this in the face of the Evil Empire is there.

Then there’s the SI Cover Jinx.  There’s a long history of bad things happening to the Cubs as soon as one of its players is on the cover of the magazine.  That includes Fukudome who’s batting average has gone down further and further as the season has progressed.    

Then there’s Manny.  He’s been crazy-good since coming to the National League from Boston mid-season.  I don’t like the chances of him getting red hot in a short series like the NLDS.  Wrigley Field is home run friendly, to say the least.  It scares the shit out of me.  Again, Torre winning WITH MANNY RAMIREZ would be another great anti-Yankees story.    

I don’t know.  This is the best regular-season Cubs team I’ve ever seen.  The pitching staff is really good.  There aren’t too many weaknesses or obvious-outs in the lineup.  I just don’t want to get over-excited for this and let my hopes get too high.  I already get goosebumps and a might-throw-up feeling just thinking about the division series starting tomorrow.  Dempster at home is usually a Cubs victory.    

 

Fuuuuuck.  Here we go…

Fleshbot posted some photos of the Pirates II premier.  I was there on Saturday.  The video is beginning to be edited.  But here are some stolen photos in the meantime…

And all of the photos and stuff are here.  

 AVG

 OBP, OPS 

 HR

 RBI

 SLG

My MVP Candidates

Dustin Pedroia will probably win.

 ERA, W

 K

 SV

The ESPN Cy Young Predictor’s Top 4. 

TONIGHT: 

ROB DELANEY
MARIA BAMFORD
MELINDA HILL
MIKE BRIDENSTINE
AMBER TOZER
DAVE HANSEN
NIKKI GLASER
CHIP POPE
JEN KIRKMAN
HOWARD KREMER

MATT KIRSHEN  

Is it weird that I don’t think we should be enemies with Venezuela or Pakistan because my brother-in-law is from Venezuela and one of my good friends is from Pakistan?

On the other hand, I’ve met a lot of Persians and… bomb them.  

 

Kings of Leon, Only By the Night.

I brought this album up to Mike Burns, and we decided it’s probably our favorite rock album since My Morning Jacket’s Z.  And it didn’t get that good of reviews, from what I’ve seen.  

 HR, RBI 

 AVG, OBP

 SLG,OPS

Howard’s second home run title and second RBI title.  Pujols’ second slugging and OPS titles.  

MVP Candidates

 

Albert Pujols, Lance Berkman, David Wright, Hanley Ramirez, Ryan Ludwick, Chase Utley.  Or CC Sabathia.

Pujols won the N.L. MVP in 2005.  

 ERA

 W

 K

 SV

Santana’s third ERA title.  Webb’s second wins title.  Valverde’s second saves title.  

Cy Young Award

ESPN’s Cy Young Predictor says these are the Top 6.

Webb won the Cy Young Award in 2006.  

Every ESPN analyst picked the Phillies over the Brewers in the NLDS.  And everyone except for fucking Peter Gammonds picked the Cubs over the Dodgers.  Gammonds said they were the “team to beat in the National League” and were going to have a great post-season.  

I’m real, real tired.  But tonight I went to the red carpet premier of Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge and I was hoping to share my experience.  I totally had a lanyard that said “MEDIA” and everything.  Before tonight, I’d met three porn actresses.  Tonight I witnessed a three hour parade of them.

I produced a segment for Comedy.com.  Comedienne Shannon Hatch was our reporter on the red carpet and she was super awesome.  I will say this - Jesse Jane, the star of the movie, was super charismatic and funny.  Same thing with Evan Stone and Tommy Gunn and Steven St. Croix.  No wonder they’re the “stars” and not the other 100 lookalikes.  Like, they were head and shoulders above the other porn people that came past us.    

 

  

 

Dude, it was weird.  But the freak show nature of the thing wore off after 30 minutes.  Fans were fucking dressed up like pirates, man.  I got acclimated and didn’t care as much when a woman’s shirt was completely see-through or a dude had a 2 foot mohawk.  The whole thing will get edited down to 3 minutes for the web and you’ll love it.  We had a woman who does sex scenes with her mother and  daughter.  We had a chick who’d been double fisted by a guy and girl at the same time (but not on film).  For that one, Shannon said “Why would you ever do that?  Especially with no way to prove that it’d happened?” and for the 3 generation sex thing she asked “How do they choose who to jizz on?”

There’s no phasing these people.  What’s weird is that every other “MEDIA” person there knew everything about porn except for us.  The pervy photographers and perv website guys who were there would give us tips about who the next person was coming down the red carpet.

We missed the Belvedere vodka-sponsored party to keep shooting the freaks, but we did manage to get in 20 minutes of the movie before I had to leave with Mike Burns to make the 12 Shiny Nickels show.  

Anyway, it was at the Orpheum Theatre in downtown Los Angeles.  That theater is fucking gorgeous.  I had no idea.  Most of downtown is such a who-gives-a-shit area. But seriously, look at this.  Click that link.  That’s where I watched 20 minutes of XXX porn on a gigantic screen with hundreds of people.  My life is so weird.  

I probably have more, but I’m super tired.  

TJ Miller was at the 1 AM show of 12 Shiny Nickels, which I did.  Jesus.  He’s filming Extract, the new Mike Judge movie and they have him looking like absolute shit for his roll.  It’s intentionally super hilarious.  They straightened his hair, died it black and shaved it into a Butthead haircut.  Really.  They made TJ look like fucking Butthead.  He also has fake tattoos that look super real all over his body.      

Okay.  I’m waay tired.  I’ll have that porn movie red carpet thing soon and whatever the fuck else ever.

I’m happy.  Polls after the first debate indicate a landslide for Obama.  That’s kind of surprising, but it echoes the same shit I thought initially.  So I feel smart and stuff.  

Viewers (specifically independent ones) were impressed with Obama, while they felt McCain was angry, condescending, emotionally immature, disrespectful, etc.  Or those are the words that the bloggers are using, but it’s echoed in the polls.  

ALSO - I didn’t know this - Sarah Palin was AWOL after the debates.  Joe Biden went on every network except for ABC (because they couldn’t get Palin).  Reports are leaking that McCain’s aids are doing practice debates with Palin and are calling them “disastrous”.  And people are saying her most recent interviews with Katie Couric a “watershed moment” and that they did for McCain what the 1960 debates with Kennedy and Nixon did for Nixon.  And conservative writer, Kathleen Parker has called for Palin to drop out of the race for the good of the party.  Wow.  That, coupled with David Letterman’s recent trouncing of McCain, rumors about his debate delay request were due to failing health and the whole economic thing have been super terrible for the campaign.  Let’s see national polls though…

McCain may have seemed too 20th Century.  Democrats wanted Obama to deliver a knockout blow that didn’t come.  But these recent polls are super interesting.  

I mean, McCain’s gonna deal with foreign leaders, but can’t fucking look at Obama???

What’s the over/under on the Republicans trying to delay the VP debates?  Seriously.

 ROUND ONE

Joe Biden was on Countdown with Keith Olberman after the debate tonight.  He said something about not underestimating the intelligence of the American public.  I like Senator Biden, but unfortunately I do underestimate America’s intelligence.  And they never prove me wrong.  

I want Obama to have won this one.  My gut or my worst fears tell me that McCain did.  But I think it’ll really come down to things that had nothing to do with the actual debate.  Who looked more Presidential?  Whatever that means.  Who had the best sound bites?  That sort of thing.  Today on Comedy.com, I gave some facts about Presidential debates.  It reminded me that nobody remembers anything from the 1988 VP debate except for what Lloyd Benson said to Dan Quayle about Jack Kennedy.  

McCain knew his shit.  It’s his big selling point.  He knows foreign policy.  But he looked like an old man who wanted Obama off his lawn.  He repeatedly misrepresented Obama’s position on a lot of things.  And I kept noticing how many times Obama said, “That’s not true” compared to how little McCain said it, if at all.  He put Obama on the defensive, when it really should have been the other way around.  McCain also wouldn’t fucking look at Obama.  That really bothered me.  It was weird.  

I don’t know what “looking Presidential” means, exactly.  I don’t know who we’re basing that off of, or just the general idea of poise and charisma.  But Obama certainly won that.  

As far as sound bites go, I also think that went to Obama.  McCain had a zinger about Obama’s Presidential seal thing he had a few months back.  But I’m not really sure that very many voters will know the reference.  Obama, on the other hand nailed him a bunch of times - including about the “Bomb Iran” song and being wrong on Iraq.  And his sound bites were more clever and likable.  McCain is funnier than like, Dick Cheney.  But he still comes off as a dick.  

McCain said Obama was naive or didin’t understand the issue a good number of times, siting his own experience in foreign relations.  It’s kind of hard because as a real life thing, experience should be good.  But this is a “change” election and based off of Sarah Palin’s initial popularity (and even Obama’s), I don’t know how much experience people really give a shit about.  As Biden put it later on Olberman’s show, “Just because I’ve been to those places, it doesn’t make me right.”  Or whatever he said.  

It was McCain’s to lose.  He didn’t really lose it.  Obama “held his own”.  But that’s not a win.  That’s a “held his own”.  I wanted Obama to hit harder, but I think he probably won the low attention span shit the voters will see on E! or Perez Hilton in the coming days.  

Palin vs. Biden is in something like 6 days.  I might tailgate for that bloodbath.   

This is the main reason I’m concerned… 

More on this (and Fukudome) later…

Here are the people with the best seasons in the 2000s.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll see how many players my Ukranian coworker or my lovely wife Veronica can name.  

2000.  Todd Helton. Vladimir Guerrero. Barry Bonds. Gary Sheffield. Sammy Sosa. Nomar Garciaparra. Manny Ramirez. Carlos Delgado. Jason Giambi. Frank Thomas. 

2001.  Jason Giambi. Jim Thome. Alex Rodriguez. Manny Ramirez. Larry Walker. Todd Helton. Barry Bonds. Sammy Sosa. Luis Gonzalez. 

2002. Barry Bonds. Larry Walker. Vladimir Guerrero. Todd Helton. Brian Giles. Randy Johnson. Manny Ramirez. Jason Giami. Jim Thome.

2003. Manny Ramirez. Carlos Delgado. Alex Rodriguez. Albert Pujols. Todd Helton. Barry Bonds. 

2004. Barry Bonds. Todd Helton. Adrian Beltre. Albert Pujols. Melvin Mora. Vladimir Guerrero. Manny Ramirez. David Ortiz. 

2005. Alex Rodriguez. David Ortiz. Manny Ramirez. Travis Hafner. Derrek Lee. Albert Pujols. Todd Helton. 

2006.  Albert Pujols. Ryan Howard. Lance Berkman. Carlos Beltran. David Ortiz. Jermaine Dye. Travis Hafner. Jim Thome. Manny Ramirez. Johan Santana. 

2007. Magglio Ordonez. David Ortiz. Alex Rodriguez. Carlos Pena. Jim Thome. Matt Holliday. Chipper Jones. Prince Fielder. Ryan Braun. Jake Peavy.  

2008. Chipper Jones. Albert Pujols. Matt Holliday. Lance Berkman. Ryan Ludwick. Alex Rodriguez. Milton Bradley. Carlos Quentin. Cliff Lee.  

Today Sarah Palin finally talked to the media.  Since I work at Comedy.com, I was granted access to a one-on-one with the Vice Presidential candidate.  Here’s how it went…

Me: Governor Palin, your running mate John McCain has had problems in the past discerning the difference between Shiite and Sunni Muslims in Iraq.  Do you know the difference?

Palin: Lipstick?

Me: Please get the fuck away from my face.

 One of Yahoo!’s top headlines today was “What Happens When We Die?”  I wish it would be an article about how people grieve and then have a funeral.  But it’s probably about angels or some shit.  

 I actually gasped when I saw this.  But it actually made me remember my favorite “In the Year 2000” joke from Conan.  

“In the year 2000… Batman will admit he’s gay”.

“In the year 2000… Clay Aiken will admit he’s Batman”.

I looked for the clip on YouTube, but have no idea when it’s from.  But I did sadly notice that tard YouTube commenters were saying it was stupid because the year 2000 isn’t in the future.  Fuck.

 I did a Red Bar Radio secret show  a couple weeks ago and Mike D brought up the fact that every episode is about how the gang needs money and Vince assures them they’ll be fine.  That might have ruined the show for me.  Because last week, Ari’s feud with Adam Davies was hilarious, but all I could do was cringe when somebody said, “It’ll work out.  It always does” for the 1000th time.

  Why is it a headline that the Rays have sold out two of their playoff games?  I know they suck at getting people there  (12th in the A.L. in home attendance), but if you can’t sell out your postseason games, you shouldn’t be allowed to have a team.

 

If right now Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols are considered the best players in baseball, then who used to be?  I remember when Barry Bonds and Ken Griffey Jr. were considered the best.  Who was it in the ‘80’s?  That’ll kinda answer another Keltner List question for Andre Dawson and Don Mattingly.  Here are the ‘80’s and who had the best seasons…

1980.  Mike Schmidt.  Steve Carlton.  George Brett.  Keith Hernandez.  Reggie Jackson.  Cecil Cooper.  Ben Oglivie.  

1981.  Mike Schmidt.  Dwight Evans.  Eddie Murray.  Bobby Grich.  Bill Madlock. George Foster.   

1982.  Mike Schmidt. Al Oliver. Pedro Guerrero.  Robin Yount.

1983. Jim Rice. Cal Ripken Jr. Mike Schmidt. Dale Murphy. Andre Dawson. Wade Boggs.  

1984. Dale Murphy. Mike Schmidt. Don Mattingly. Ryne Sandberg.   

1985. Don Mattingly. George Brett. Wade Boggs. Dale Murphy. Pedro Guerrero. Dave Parker. Mike Schmidt. Dwight Gooden.   

1986.  Mike Schmidt. Don Mattingly. Jesse Barfield. Wade Boggs. Kirby Puckett. Roger Clemens.   

1987.  Wade Boggs. George Bell.  Jack Clark. Tony Gwynn.  Daryl Strawberry.  Andre Dawson.    

1988. Andres Galarraga. Daryl Strawberry.  Will Clark. Orel Hershiser.  Jose Canseco.  

1989.  Fred McGriff.  Ruben Sierra.  Robin Yount.  Wade Boggs.  Brett Saberhagen.  Will Clark. Kevin Mitchell.  Eric Davis.  Howard Johnson.  

Both of my roommates share a favorite player: Don Mattingly.  One is from Waterloo, Iowa and the other is from Saginaw, Michigan.  So he’s popular.  And he’s not in the Hall of Fame.  Let’s do the Keltner List questions we gave Andre Dawson to Donnie Baseball.  

- Was he the best player on his team?

Yes. In 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1989 and it’s arguable in 1992.  He had his main competition from guys like Dave Winfield, Rickey Henderson, Steve Sax and Danny Tartabull.

- How many MVP-type seasons did he have? Did he ever win an MVP award? If not, how many times was he close?

Mattingly was the A.L. MVP in 1985 and was second in ‘86.  He got votes for MVP 7 times.  1984-1987, 1989, 1993 and 1994.  In ‘93 teammates Jimmy Key and Mike Stanley got more votes than him.  And in ‘94 he got out-voted by teammates like Paul O’Neill, Key and Wade Boggs.  

If you get a chance to read the newest Rolling Stone, skip straight to “Mad Dog Palin” by Matt Taibbi.  It’s the most angry, best-written thing so far about Sarah Palin and what her popularity says about America.  It’s not Online yet, but if it is, I’ll link it.  

I recently came across Bill James’ Keltner List for Hall of Fame selections.  Here are 2 questions regarding Andre Dawson.  

Was he the best player on his team?

Yes.  In 1980, 1981, 1983, 1987 and 1988.

The rest of the time he was on the Cubs, he was edged out by Ryne Sandberg.  And while on the Expos he had competition from people like Gary Carter, Al Oliver and Tim Raines.  1980 is arguable, as Carter got more MVP votes, but the last 4 seasons listed are not.   In 1991, Sandberg probably had a better season, but Dawson got more MVP votes.  So I’ll stick with 5 times.    

How many MVP-type seasons did he have? Did he ever win an MVP award? If not, how many times was he close?

Dawson got MVP votes in 9 seasons.  1979-1983, 1987, 1988, 1990 and 1991.  He won the N.L. MVP in 1987 and got second place in 1981 and 1983.  

Here’s a review on the Comic’s Comic.

“Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Stand-up comedian Kumail Nanjiani got a speaking role (as in, more than a regular extra gig) on last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live, as one of 50 reporters in a sketch lampooning the liberal elite of the New York Times that even FOX News will love and probably want to show a gabillion times on its TV network, which probably explains why NBC hasn’t put it on Hulu yet. But let’s not worry about that right this second. Kumail’s part is probably the highlight of the show, which says something about how the audience didn’t react to the celebrity cameos last night.

…But what made me smile was seeing SNL give comedian Kumail Nanjiani a couple of lines as an Indian reporter (Nanjiani’s Pakistani, but, um, close, right?). As I wrote above, this is a sketch that even FOX News can love. Even at seven minutes long. Nanjiani got called in a couple of days beforehand notifying him he’d gotten an extra extra gig. It’s not on Hulu yet, so enjoy it on YouTube while it lasts…it’s gone. We’ll keep our eyes peeled for it, though.”

And The Apiary just called him a “rising superstar” (along with TJ Miller and Thomas Middleditch).  It was in another Bastion-closing article.  

 1.  Fenway Park 1912.

 2.  Wrigley Field 1914.

 3.  Dodger Stadium 1962.

 4.  Angel Stadium of Anaheim 1966.

 4.  Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum 1966.

 ”“Major League Baseball has always valued the dollar more than they do the individual, the players and their families.” - Lance Berkman.  

LANCE BERKMAN’S 2008 SALARY: $14.5 MILLION

 ”[T]o make us go up and play at North Wrigley like we had to on no sleep, it was absolutely ridiculous. If it was New York or Boston, it would have been played at the end of the season.  I truly believe that, and I think 99.9 percent of our teammates believe that. But no, we’re the Houston Astros.” - Doug Brocail

DOUG BROCAIL’S 2008 SALARY: $2.5 MILLION

HITS RECORDED BY THE ASTROS IN THEIR TWO GAMES IN MILWAUKEE: 1

  

 

 

Here’s what they said.

 

I’m a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight…..

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”

* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers,  a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.

*Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

*Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor,  spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing astate of  13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

*If your total resume is: local weather girl,  4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and
married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.                       

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.                       

* If your husband is nicknamed “First Dude”,  with at least one DWI conviction and no
college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of
a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.    
                       

OK, much clearer now.