Mike Bridenstine's Tumblr Thing

I saw Notorious last night.  It’s not bad, but it’s a renter.  Feels like a made-for-TV movie.  But I will say this… Jamal Woolard, the guy who plays B.I.G. has never had it so good.  

Look at the guy.  This is who he gets to bang in the movie…

That’s Julia Pace Mitchell, the actress who plays Biggie’s first baby mama, Jan.  There’s one scene where she’s holding their daughter with her cleavage so ridiculous, even the lady friend blurted out “Jesus!” in the theater.  

Then Naturi Naughton plays Lil’ Kim.  She’s basically naked the whole movie.  She was also in that group 3LW.  You seriously have no idea how much she gets naked in this movie.    

Finally (other than all of the groupies this guy gets to make out with in the movie), Antonique Smith plays Faith Evans.

This kid will never make out with so many chicks for the rest of his life.  

Jeff Kent retired earlier this week.  Is he a Hall of Famer?  

Kent played from 1992-2008, and was the best second basemen of the era after Craig Biggio and Roberto Alomar.  He played in 5 All-Star Games.  He got MVP votes in 7 seasons, finishing in the top 10 three times and even winning the 2000 N.L. MVP Award.    

He was often the second-best player on his team, having played several seasons with guys like Barry Bonds in San Francisco.  But he was probably the best player on the 2005 and 2007 Dodgers.

Kent played in 7 post-seasons, although he never won a World Series.  His offensive statistics are comparable to other Hall of Famers and future Hall of Famers, such as Carlton Fisk, Pudge Rodriguez, Yogi Berra, Johnny Bench, Jim Rice and Ryne Sandberg.  

Kent was never a standout defensively, and he didn’t steal a lot of bases.  But his offensive stats compare well with other second basemen in the Hall of Fame.  He has more home runs (377) than any other second basemen.  Only Rogers Hornsby has a better slugging percentage.  Guys like Bobby Doerr, Johnny Evers, Nellie Fox, Billy Herman, Bill Mazeroski, Red Shoendist, Bid McPhee and even Ryne Sandberg can’t compare to Kent offensively.  

Yes.

He goes in the Hall after Alomar and Biggio.  

To K-Rock: I’ve been to Peru.  In 2002.  My sister lived in Lima as one of her first posts in the State Department.  I took a semester off of my 5th-year senior year at Iowa and went down there for two weeks.  It’s a long story, but I was rock bottom in my life and the only thing I liked at the time was doing stand-up, which I got to do once a week in Iowa City.  

How was it? 

It’s amazing.  Never went to Machu Picchu.  Just Lima.  But I had an amazing time.  Eat ceviche. Drink an Inca Cola.  Drink a pisco sour.  Fucking drink 9 of them. It’s the most delicious beverage I’ve ever gotten drunk off of two of.  Holy shit, you’ll thank me.    Peru has the best-tasting food in South America.   I’ve only been to Peru, Brazil and Venezuela, but still.  Not bragging, just saying.  And Peru has the worst-looking humans on the planet.  I was a goddamn swashbuckler down there.  The best looking woman I saw looked like Nomar Garciaparra.   

Peru has an incredible history and, if you get a chance to go downtown Lima, fucking take it.  They have Pizarro’s head in a box at a cathedral, dude.  The worst drivers in the entire world live in Lima, but so does one of the best stories I oft tell: my bullfighting story.  Go to that bullfighting arena!  Let me know how it goes.     

Because there’s a new blog in town.  

VetoCorleone.com - Where Politicians Sleep With the Fishes.

Fancy Godfather font graphics and shit coming real soon.  Enjoy it.  There’ll be 5 + posts a day from yours truly.  You can comment and everything.  

- Who has that ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner?

- Gaza is the new Gay.

- This “24 turning left” thing is sticking.

- Bush snubbed Helen Thomas today in his final press conference.  

- What the hell are “Kleig lights”?

- The number of obese Americans outweighs the number of overweight Americans.  34% to 32.7%.  Slightly less than 6% are extremely obese.  

- The first openly gay Episcopal bishop will say a prayer at the Lincoln Memorial for the inauguration.  Then he will dual Rick Warren.

- So, wait.  Obama is closing every jail?

- Roland Burris is now Senator-designate.  

- When will this goddamned Obama dog saga end?

- Obama ate at Ben’s Chili Bowl in D.C.  

- Bush had his last press conference today.  Summary?  The economy is not his fault.  He Iraq War is disappointing.  He actually did a good job with Katrina.  Then he made a joke about how the press mis-underestimated him.      

- Ann Coulter is making the rounds promoting her new book and acting like a bitch.

- Joe the Plumber gave his first report from Israel.

- 24 cast Janeane Garofalo?  People are wondering if it’ll change now with Obama.  

Okay.  Gotta run.

Rickey got 94.8% of the vote, while Rice squeaked by with 76.4%.  Players need to get 75% to be elected.  Andre Dawson and Bert Blyleven came up short at 67 and 62.7%.  Getting enough votes to remain eligible were Lee Smith, Jack Morris, Tim Raines, Mark McGwire, Alan Trammell, Dave Parker, Don Mattingly, Dale Murphy and Harold Baines.  Tommy John failed to make it in his 15th try, so he’ll go to the Veterans Committee.  Mark Grace got 22 votes, which is only 4.1%.  No Hall for Gracie.      

Who’s up next year?

Roberto Alomar, Ellis Burks, Andres Galarraga, Barry Larkin, Edgar Martinez and Fred McGriff.

- Kanye West said he wants fewer fans so he can pose naked.  Like Bjork.  And he wants to break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, black culture and American culture.

- Rosie O’Donnell quit her blog.

- People magazine is giving the Palin baby $300,000.

- Tim Tebow is playing his senior year at Florida.

- Karl Rove is on Twitter.

- An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows that only 33% of people admit voting for Bush in 2000 and 2004.  

- Since the Great Depression, only two recessions have gone on longer than this one.  1975 and 1982.   The Great Depression lasted 43 months and ended in 1933.  BUT this might be the best investment opportunity in a generation.   

- Obama is taking the oath of office on the same Bible Lincoln used.  Jesus.

- The New York Times is predicting that if Obama’s stimulus plan doesn’t work, he might be a one-term President.  

- Wolf Blitzer asked Dick Cheney about not capturing bin Laden and he replied, “Well, we’ve got a few days left yet”.  

- Bush rejected a recent plan by Israel to bomb Iran.

- The Obama family was photographed making a unannounced visit to the Lincoln Memorial.  We totally get it.  

- Mickey Rourke said Sean Penn is one of the most homophobic people he knows.

- Golden Globe winners:

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire 
Actor: Mickey Rourke

Actress: Kate Winslet

Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger

Supporting Actress: Kate Winslet 

Director: Danny Boyle

Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire

TV Drama: Mad Men

TV Comedy: 30 Rock

- Monday is a big day!  The Hall of Fame announces it’s selections.  It’ll be a big day for Rickey Henderson.  And possibly Jim Rice, Andre Dawson and Bert Blyleven, amongst maybe some others.

- This is the first war Israel has launched that Palestinians are defending themselves without help from neighboring Arab countries.

- Bush said he felt most anxious in his presidency when he threw the first pitch out at the World Series in 2001.

- Somali pirates washed ashore with $153,000 in cash.  Somalia hasn’t had a functioning government since 1991.  

- Prince Harry said “Paki” and raghead in some video.  He apologized.  Where does that rank with him drinking underage, smoking pot and wearing a Nazi uniform?   

Okay, gotta run.

- People are arguing that Israel has a right to defend itself against rocket attacks.  The problem is that Israel has been blockading Gaza, slowly starving them in a pressure to get rid of Hamas, their elected government.  Palestinians have the same right of self-defense.  Which group is worse at being the victim?

People all over the world are protesting against Israel.  Hmmm.

- Colin Powell doesn’t want a job in the new administration.

- Will Ferrell says audiences should expect the unexpected from his upcoming one-man Broadway show and HBO special about George W. Bush.  I think I expect the expected.

- Jews are worried that Bernie Madoff will spark anti-Semitism.  

- Al Franken is now the GOP’s most hated Democrat.  And more Minnesotans have a negative impression of him than a positive one (47-37%).  Weird.  People are debating on how serious he’ll take the job.  I like the idea that comedians are incapable of taking anything seriously.  

- Joe the Plumber thinks that, since he’s a Christian, God will protect him as he covers the Israeli-Hamas war.  

- Dennis Kucinich wants a UN investigation into Gaza.  Except he’s crazy.  

- Most of the people living in Gaza were from families forced there in 1948.  They’ve lived under occupation since 1967.

- John Travolta won’t be at the Golden Globes.

He tried to get the Creek and Cherokee Indians to aid the British in kicking the Spanish out of West Florida.  President Adams found out about it.  Not good.  He was dismissed.

2.  John Pickering, state judge (1804)

He was accused of drunkenness and unlawful rulings.  Removed.

He let political biases blatantly get in the way of his decisions.  Acquitted.  

He was charged with abuse of the contempt power.  Acquitted.

5.  West Hughes Humphrey, state judge (1862) 

He publicly called for Southern secession, aided an armed rebellion, conspired with Jefferson Davis, served as a Confederate Judge, confiscated property of Andrew Johnson and a Supreme Court Justice and imprisoned a Union sympathizer with intent to injure him.  Removed.

When he fired the Secretary of War, it violated the Tenure of Office Act.  Johnson had tried to veto that bill.  Later, the Tenure of Office Act was deemed unconstitutional.  Acquitted.  

7.  Mark H. Delahay, state judge (1873)

Dude resigned, but there’s nothing else about him on Wikipedia.

He was charged with ‘Looking Too Gnarly”.  He also took money for post tradership appointments.  Acquitted after resignation.  

9.  Charles Swayne, state judge (1905)

He filed fake travel vouchers, improperly used private railroad cars, unlawfully imprisoned two attorneys for contempt and lived outside his district.  Acquitted.    

10.  Robert W. Archbald, Associate Justice U.S. Commerce Court (1913)

He was accused of wrongful communication with litigants, improper solicitation and acceptance of gifts from attorneys, corrupt practices during jury selection and bringing the Judiciary into disrepute.  Removed.    

11.  George W. English, state judge (1926)

He was accused of abusive treatment of lawyers and litigants.  Resigned.    

12.  Harold Louderback, state judge (1933)  

He was accused of corruption in bankruptcy cases and bringing his court into disrepute.  Acquitted.   

13.  Halsted L. Ritter, state judge (1936)

He embezzled legal fees, showed favoritism in bankruptcy cases, practiced law while a judge, evaded taxes, and brought the court into disrepute.  Removed.    

14.  Harry E. Claiborne, state judge (1986)

He was impeached for tax evasion and bringing disrepute to the court.  Removed.  

He accepted a bribe for a lenient sentence, racketeering and perjury.  Removed.

He committed perjury before a grand jury.  He lied about intervening in the state drug prosecution of the son of his business partner.  Removed.

He lied about his relationship with Monica Lewinski during a sworn deposition in the Paula Jones lawsuit.  That’s perjury.  Then he got an obstruction of justice charge for his actions during the investigation of the testimony.  Acquitted.  

He tried to sell Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder.  He also offered positions in his administration for campaign contributions.  

- Sarah Palin thinks Katie Couric and Tina Fey have been capitalizing on and exploiting her.  

- Oil is back up a little partly because of the Israel-Hamas shit.  

- Jeb Bush isn’t running for Senate in 2010.

- Murders of African-American teenagers has risen 39% since 2000-20001.

- Blagojevich was impeached.  Oh, Burris.  Why do I feel bad for you?  

- This Gaza thing isn’t really helping Israel from a PR perspective.  We give Israel $3 billion a year.    

- Chris Matthews is apparently NOT running for for Senate.

- The Obamas have a Wii!

- Unemployment is at 7.2%, which is a 16-year high.

I’ll be heading up a Comedy.com politics blog soon, so I gotta get caught up…

- Sarah Palin thinks Caroline Kennedy is getting easier press treatment because of her social class.  

- Joe the Plumber is going to be an Israeli war correspondent for some website.  

- Wonkette predicted Charlie Crist will run for President in 2012.  But in 4 years, Sarah Palin will be a “witless narcissist in a trashy red motorcycle jacket”.  They also diss Bobby Jindal, Mitt Romney, Tom Tancredo, Mike Huckabee and John McCain.  

- Remember when Sanjay Gupta said Michael Moore flubbed his stats for Sicko, even though he didn’t?  Uh oh.  

- Oh, Al Franken.  

- Why are there petitions to free the Iraqi shoe-thrower?  You can’t just do whatever you want because the target is a dipshit.  

- Are you following this Bernie Madoff thing?  I haven’t been.  He was chairman of NASDAQ.  He was charged with perpetrating the largest investor fraud ever committed by one person.  Banks lost billions because of it.  

- A Ponzi scheme pays returns to investors from other invested money, rather than profit.  They always collapse because the earnings are way less than the payments.  It’s named after Charles Ponzi    

- I missed the Mrs. Blagovejich quote where she says, ‘hold up that fucking Cubs shit… fuck them.”  

- Obama’s attention to NASA’s spending is interesting to me.

- Bush finally bailed out the Big 3 auto makers.  I’m late on this.

- When is Obama going to start wearing a stovetop hat?

- A Kennedy has served in the Senate since 1952.

- Are people going to party all day on January 20th, or is the Obama Celebration/Bush Exit Celebration enthusiasm down slightly since November 4th?  

Okay.  Sick of politics for now.  More later, maybe.  

Thanks to K-Rock for this.  Pretty funny caricatures.  

- 3/4 of Americans think Obama is a strong and decisive leader, the highest marks for a president-elect in almost 30 years.  

- The Marlins were almost called the Flamingos.  

- Comedy Central is roasting Larry the Cable Guy.

- This is who Woody Harrelson married?

Full thing here.

10.  Brendan Walsh
9.  Hugh Moore
8.  Sean Patton
7.  Nikki Glaser  
6.  Ryan Stout
5.  Kyle Kinane
4.  Eric Andre
3.  John Mulaney
2.  Matt Braunger
1.  Anthony Jeselnik

This is interesting and weird to me.  Interesting that it’s pretty correct, but I still don’t know if anyone would care.  Check the comments as proof of that.  I wonder who wrote this.  Most of them are Montreal/Aspen people from the last couple years.  

Happy 2009.  I’m back in L.A.  Let’s party.

- Jason Stark doesn’t think Lee Smith is Hall of Fame worthy.  

- OPRJ turned me on to Mad Men.

- The Cubs signed Milton Bradley.  

- ESPN picked Justin Upton as the breakout player of 2009.