Well, all of this happened. The season is in the home stretch and some things in the national or conference championship picture are getting more clear and some are more confusing. Three top 10 teams lost. Other good teams almost lost. Let’s see what happened.
#1 Oregon beat Washington 53-16.
LaMichael James had 121 yards rushing and three touchdowns. But Oregon didn’t score in the first quarter, which is kinda weird for them. They’re looking good right for the title game right now. Even though those wings on their uniforms make no sense to me.
#2 Auburn beat Chattanooga 62-24.
First of all, you scheduled Chattanooga this late in the season? Okay. Haters are gonna hate on Cam Newton and now there’s new non-laptop allegations about his recruitment. Newton passed for 317 yards and four touchdowns and ran for a 5th in the first half. And that Iron Bowl game is looking less intimidating.
#3 TCU beat #5 Utah 47-7.
Holy fucking shit. All that hype. TCU and their defense are for realz. Utah will not be in a BCS game. They’d won 21 in a row at home, man. Andy Dalton passed for 355 yards and three touchdowns. He still has red hair.
#4 Boise State beat Hawaii 42-7.
Kellen Moore had 507 yards and three touchdowns. He’s good at football. It’s not like Hawaii is total shit either. Two of their receivers are in the top 4 in yards and their quarterback came into the game #1 in passing yards. He got sacked seven times by the Boise defense. Boise State is for realz as well. That’s (if you’re counting at home) 22 wins in a row.
#6 Alabama LOST to #10 LSU 24-21.
So… everybody thought Alabama was going to make a run for the national championship. So…. they lose to LSU, who actually put together a decent game for once. They should get thank you cards from TCU and Boise.
#7 Nebraska beat Iowa State 31-30.
Don’t think Taylor Martinez matters to Nebraska? Well, this proves he does. And it proves anybody can beat anybody in the Big 12 this year. For example…
#8 Oklahoma LOST to Texas A&M 33-19.
A&M’s defense was the star. Me no get the Big 12.
#9 Wisconsin beat Purdue 34-13.
How many running backs does Wisconsin have? It’s not like Purdue is any good, but Montee Ball had 127 yards and two touchdowns.
#12 Missouri LOST to Texas Tech 24-17.
Nebraska should win the Big 12 North now with their shit win over Iowa State.
#13 Stanford beat #15 Arizona 42-17.
Andrew Luck threw for 293 yards and two touchdowns. Stanford might be the best one-loss team. Well… LSU, Wisconsin, Ohio State… They’ll get hype. This was impressive.
#14 Michigan State beat Minnesota 31-8.
Edwin Baker had 179 yards and four touchdowns. Minnesota sucks my balls.
#16 Iowa beat Indiana 18-13.
Gross! Iowa didn’t look good in the red zone. And they needed a dropped pass in the end zone to hold of Indiana. But the Rose Bowl race is still wide open, with Iowa, Wisonsin, Michigan State and Ohio State. They need Adam Robinson back, even though Marcus Coker (depth!) had 129 rushing yards.
#17 Oklahoma State beat #21 Baylor 55-28.
Justin Blackmon was back and proved he should be a Heisman finalist. Brandon Weeden threw for 435 yards and three touchdowns. I actually kind of like this team.
#18 Arkansas beat #19 South Carolina 41-20.
Didn’t I say Ryan Mallett would carve up South Carolina’s shitty secondary? He had 303 yards. South Carolina are still in the race (with shitfuck Florida) for the SEC East. Arkansas only lost to Alabama and Auburn. They’re good. Sucks for them they’re in the West.
#22 Virginia Tech beat Georgia Tech 28-21.
I actually watched this, since it was on Thursday. It was a good game. It was sloppy. The ACC Coastal should be VT’s.
#23 Nevada beat Idaho 63-17.
Colin Kaepernick had five touchdown passes and 320 yards.
#24 Florida State LOST to North Carolina 37-35.
Nobody wants to win in the ACC Atlantic.
#25 NC State LOST to Clemson 14-13.
Nobody wants to win in the ACC Atlantic.
December 3rd. Ghetto Bird Social Club. Here’s The lineup.
Dan Bialek, Matt Braunger, Mike Bridenstine, Mike Burns, Renee Gauthier, Shannon Hatch, Mike Holmes, Pete Holmes, Kyle Kinane, Kumail Nanjiani, Brady Novak, Zach Sherwin.
Hey, all this shit happened. Iowa beat the #5 team by 31 points, so I’m back in this Big Ten race. But there were other games too…
#1 Auburn beat Mississippi 51-31.
Cam Newton caught a touchdown to add to his Heisman resume. And Mike Dyer rushed for 180 yards. But Auburn’s defense is dog turds. If they play Oregon in the national championship (they probz won’t because of the Iron Bowl) it’ll be 61-60.
#2 Oregon beat USC 53-32.
That’s the most points USC has ever given up. Oregon moved to #1 in the BCS. And that’s basically where they’ll stay. Arizona is the only ranked team left on their schedule. LaMichael James had another 239 rushing yards and three touchdowns. Darron Thomas also threw for three touchdowns. Again, their defense is dog turds.
#3 Boise State beat Louisiana Tech 49-20.
They played on Tuesday because nobody cares. Sure, they beat Oregon last year and blowouts won’t really matter because everyone is against them. They still gave up 20 points to a high school team with 10 players. It’s their 21st consecutive victory. Kellen Moore caught a touchdown pass as well this week. They moved down to #4 and will stay there since whoever wins between TCU and Utah is going to be the new non-automatic-qualifier darling.
#4 TCU beat UNLV 48-6.
Andy Dalton threw for 252 yards and two touchdowns. Blah blah blah. Utah this week.
#5 Michigan State LOST to #18 Iowa 37-6.
Ricky Stanzi still has the second best passing efficiency in college football, which kind of blows my mind. He added three more touchdowns on Saturday. Kirk Cousins decided he liked to throw interceptions and one became an Iowa highlight reel classic. Iowa played to their potential, which is nice to see, but it’s still incredibly frustrating to do all the what-ifs in the Arizona game and Wisconsin game (who is kicking our extra points, Norm Parker?). Plus, they still play Ohio State, who seems to be angry.
#6 Missouri LOST to #14 Nebraska 31-17.
Nebraska fans don’t know Roy Helu Jr.’s name. They should. He rushed for 307 yards after Taylor Martinez got hurt. Missouri got sucked off a little too much last week and couldn’t bounce back.
#8 Utah beat Air Force 28-23.
Utah’s defense had to force five turnovers to pull this one out. They’re still undefeated for now. Did I mention they play TCU this week?
#9 Oklahoma beat Colorado 43-10.
Ryan Broyles’ ankles seem to be fine. He and Landry Jones played a little game of catch, which ended up with Broyles compiling 208 yards and Jones compiling 453.
#11 Ohio State beat Minnesota 52-10.
Looks like somebody still wants to have a chance in the national picture. Minnesota is horse shit, but Terrelle Pryor threw for 222 yards and two touchdowns. Dan Herron ran for 114 and a touchdown. That’s called style points.
#13 Stanford beat Washington 41-0.
This was supposed to be an NFL showcase of Andrew Luck vs. Jake Locker. Look at the score to see who clearly won. Everyone is saying Locker has hit rock bottom. They play Oregon this week, so we’ll see.
#15 Arizona beat UCLA 29-21.
Another team in Oregon’s way for an undefeated regular season is without their quarterback, but Matt Scott had another 319 passing yards this week. I can tell you care.
#16 Florida State LOST to NC State 28-24.
Russell Wilson was clutch. He didn’t have the stats he usually does, but Wilson was the winner of another quarterback showcase game. Christian Ponder won, if the competition was looking like an extra on Jersey Shore.
#17 Oklahoma State beat Kansas State 24-14.
So the best receiver in college football didn’t play? Booooooo. Brandon Weeden still threw for 298 yards and two touchdowns and Kendall Hunter ran for 143.
#19 Arkansas beat Vanderbilt 49-14.
Ryan Mallett had 409 yards passing and three touchdowns. He’s good at football.
#20 South Carolina beat Tennessee 38-24.
Marcus Lattimore had 184 yards and a touchdown. South Carolina could be close to wrapping up the SEC East. But their secondary is bad and could get carved up by Ryan Mallett (who is good at football) this week.
#21 Mississippi State beat Kentucky 24-17.
Chris Relf something something. Randall Cobb something something. I don’t care about Mississippi State. Like, not at all.
#22 Miami LOST to Virginia 22-19.
Jacory Harris got hurt. Miami’s backup quarterback got intercepted four times. That’s kind of hilarious to me.
#24 Nevada beat Utah State 56-42.
I try to talk about Vai Taua or Colin Kaepernick every time Nevada is ranked, but they gave up 42 points to Utah State, so who gives a shit.
#25 Baylor beat Texas 30-22.
Texas, whoa. So Baylor is a legit contender in the Big 12 South. Their star player is Robert Griffin. I guess some people care.
We made it. Good job, everybody.