Mike Bridenstine's Tumblr Thing

A new biography of Willie Mays reminds everybody that Mays missed most of the 1952 and ‘53 seasons because of the Korean War.  If not for his service, he probably would have hit around 730 home runs and passed Babe Ruth’s record around 1971.  I haven’t read the book, but that’s what I heard.

Of course, Ted Williams missed 1943-1945 and most of ‘52 and ‘53 because of WWII and Korea.  If you add in his averages from around those seasons, he might have ended up with 673 home runs, or just 41 shy of the Babe.  Considering Williams hit 29 home runs with a .316 average his last season in 1960, I wonder if he would have stuck around to finish the job.  Tragically, we’ll never know.

The bottom line is that Babe Ruth obviously caused WWII and Korea.  He convinced Japan to bomb Pearl Harbor and also did whatever caused the Korean War.  Something about the 38th parallel.  There is simply no doubt.  If he can curse the Red Sox for 85 years, he can certainly get his fat, dirty fingers into Asian politics to cause our young athletes to enter the service.

Over 400,000 Americans died in World War II and another 36,000 died in Korea.  Just so Babe Ruth could hold on to his home run record until 1974.  What a fat jerk.

I kinda think we can stop saying Sarah Palin is dumb all the time.  Yes, she is dumb.  But at what point does anybody really think that one of her supporters is going to suddenly change their mind and think, “Okay. That was the last straw”?  They’re not.

They want a moron as President.  That’s what they want.  You’ve heard them bash intellectuals and elites and praise Scott Brown for having a fucking truck.  Calling her a moron only makes her stronger.

The Tea Partiers don’t want the truth, anyway.  They just want a reinforcement of what they’re thinking and what they want to hear.  It’s basically the same reason I don’t go to therapy.

And Tom Tancredo’s speech?  Whoa boy.

I think the Tea Partiers have their historical reference wrong.  They hate immigrants and want to torture Muslims, but they love Jesus?  That’s not the Tea Party.  That’s the Spanish Inquisition.

It can all be explained by pro wresting.  One of the most hated wrestlers when I was growing up was Macho Man’s brother, The Genius.  He used to come out in a graduation robe and read poetry.  That pissed people off!

It’s hilarious to me that every WWF/WWE character who is smart is a villain.  And the most beloved (in an odd way) were guys like “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and George “The Animal” Steele and the Bushwhackers.  The dumber, the better.

It’s been a revelation to me of late how pro wrestling can explain things like stand-up comedy, all of entertainment and now politics.  Sarah Palin is “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  That’s all she is.  She’s “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  You know, if he wrote, “Hoooooooooooooooo!!!” and “U-S-A!” on his hand.

Am I supposed to think Raiders fans are scary?  Became half of them look like if Skeletor from He-Man had a leather fetish.

And the other half just look like assholes from Oakland.

I’m way more scared of the latter.  Skeletor isn’t real.  But a guy from Oakland might stab me for this post.

I want to invent a pushup bra for women with big, saggy boobs called “The Hindenburg.”

When you unclasp the back, you’ll hear the voice of an old timey radio announcer saying, “Oh, the humanity!”

I don’t know what could possibly be said about Avatar at this point that hasn’t already been said.  It was the first time I’d ever seen a movie after it had become the highest-grossing movie (domestically and internationally) of all time.  But I’ll try.

1.  Zoe Saldana must feel amazing about her looks, considering everyone wants to bang Neytiri, and Neytiri is a weird blue alien.  It’s also interesting that the actress’ name is more exotic than her alien character’s.

2.  I saw the movie with comedian, Eric Andre.  At one point he turned to me (with his 3D glasses on, which somehow makes it funnier) and asked if the actor who plays Jake Sully is really crippled.  I said, “No.  That’s Sam Worthington.”  And he said, “Look at his legs!”  To which I replied, “Yeah, there’s also no such thing as dragons.”  Andre laughed for the next four minutes.  3D glasses still on.

3.  I’ve heard enough people say, “I liked Avatar the first time I saw it when it was called Fern Gully” to wonder what the fuck is going on.  Avatar has made over a billion dollars.  Last time I checked BoxOfficeMojo, six people saw Fern Gully.  So… Biggest Movie Ever vs. Nobody Saw It.  Somebody is lying.

4.  If you want to insert Pocahontas or Dances With Wolves for Fern Gully, be my guest.  Now you’re just naming movies with Indians.  And the South Park joke, where they call it “Dances With Smurfs” is funny, but they’re really just taking a movie with Indians, and something that’s blue.  Okay.  Here’s the only acceptable line from now on…

“I liked it better the first time I saw it, when it was called Slumdog Blueberries.”

Okay.  That is all.