Mike Bridenstine's Tumblr Thing

@gentscum has been busy for a week doing terrible things in Portland.  But we’ll be back Thursday at 8pm PST with Ari Shaffir.  Ari is a comedian.  You might have seen him on Down and Dirty with Jim Norton or as the Amazing Racist on the Internet.  Burns and I bonded with Ari in Portland at strip clubs, gyro stands and dive bars.  You’ll enjoy him.     

Between now and then, go ahead and go to the Gentlemen Scumbags’ Facebook page and become a fan if you want.  Or go to the website and hit subscribe if you don’t already.  

And just a friendly reminder…

In 4 days, I’ll be headlining the the Irvine Improv.  That’s April 30th at 11pm.  Mike Holmes is my feature and Burns is hosting.  I’m gonna do jokes.  Then Holmes and I are going to do Every Song Ever.  It’s gonna be rad.  Get tickets here.  Or if you know anybody in Orange County who doesn’t hate comedy, tell them to go.  Here’s the poster.

(Yes, a lot of that was just copied and pasted from my previous post on here.)

Hey everybody.  No @gentscum this week.  Patrick is on the road producing (or whatever he does) and @mike_burns_ and I are headed to Portland tomorrow for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.  In lieu of the week off, I’ll try to make a video or something to post of our scummy escapades from the festival.  

If you’re in Portland, Oregon and want to see me perform, you can find my schedule here.  And you can find Burns’ schedule here.  Other Gentlemen Scumbags guests at the Festival include Kyle Kinane, James Adomian, Karl Hess, Cornell Reid, Brendan McGowan and tons of other great comedians, friends of the show and people we’ve asked to be on who haven’t come on yet.  The full list of performers is here.  

If you don’t want to go to Portland, go ahead and go to our Gentlemen Scumbags Facebook page and become a fan if you want.  Or go to the website and hit subscribe if you don’t already.  

And just a friendly reminder…

In 10 days, I’ll be headlining the the Irvine Improv.  That’s April 30th at 11pm.  Mike Holmes is my feature and Burns is hosting.  I’m gonna do jokes.  Then Holmes and I are going to do Every Song Ever.  It’s gonna be rad.  Get tickets here.  Or if you know anybody in Orange County who doesn’t hate comedy, tell them to go.  Here’s the poster.

Sometimes Baby tries to eat healthier.  I’m Baby.  

So I went to the local Von’s supermarket and picked out a delicious Marie Callender pot pie 4 pack.  Baby assumed they were healthy because they had peas and carrots and shit.  

I was such a staunch supporter of the product that I once went through the checkout line with only a box of pot pies and a 30 pack of Coors Light.  The sassy checkout twerp said under his breath, “Looks like you’re going to have a big night tongiht.”  To which I replied, “If you don’t want people to buy this stuff, then don’t fucking sell it.”  He rolled his sassy eyes and said, “Whatever.”  I almost committed a hate crime that night.  I mean, Baby almost did.  

A short time after that, a nice young lady informed me, “Those Marie Calldender pot pies are like, the worst thing you can eat.”  I told her she was wrong because they had peas and carrots and shit.  She goes, “No.  Like, they are literally the worst thing you can eat.”  Then she tells me about this article.  

Marie Callender’s pot pies are the #1 Worst Packaged Food in America.  It’s all lard and cream and has the sodium equivalent of 8 small bags of potato chips.  It has the fat equivalent of 23 strips of bacon and the calories of 7 Taco Bell “beef” tacos.  Part of me thought, “No wonder those peas and carrots and shit taste so fucking good.”

And I’d fucking eat two at a time!  Oh no!  

That article had my asshole friends, Mike Burns and Mike Holmes dying laughing.  Burns goes, “Of course you found the WORST possible thing you can eat.  Of course the only thing you make at home is the absolute worst!”  Then they all had a big laugh at my expense.  

Somewhere that piece of shit Von’s checkout sassmaster is snickering at me while he rolls his eyes and dances with glow sticks.  I bet he always dances with glow sticks.  

Back to the drawing board, everybody.  I’m never eating peas or carrots ever again.   

The Royal Family isn’t allowed to play the board game Monopoly because it gets “too vicious.”  

It’s like, a law they have.

That’s like the time in high school when we told my friend Dusty that he couldn’t eat Cool Ranch Doritos at poker night anymore because his burps were too gross.  

Except Dusty was probz wearing an nWo t-shirt and the Queen dresses like the Easter Bunny.  

Also, on the last day of high school, Dusty drank 11 Busch Lights in 40 minutes and proceeded to take off his pants and cover an entire sliding glass door in THE MOST PUKE EVER.  

If the Royals don’t do that, then what’s the point?   

Thursday 8pm April 21 @ Badgad Theater

Pete Holmes, Nikki Glaser, Eric Andre, Virginia Jones, Adam Cayton Holland, Me, Josh Hanness and Jay Larson.

Deep Dish. Friday 11pm. Mt. Tabor Theater Lounge

Jimmy Dore, Paul Gilmartin, Mike Burns, John Roy, Brendan McGowan, Cameron Esposito, Robert Buscemi and Me.

Tabor Lounge 4. Saturday. Midnight. Mt. Tabor Lounge. 

Ron Lynch, Virginia Jones, Timmy Williams, Auggie Smith, MC Mr. Napkins, Me, Cornell Reid, Chris Garcia and Arlo Stone

@mike_burns_ and I will be podcasting live TONIGHT at 8PM PST (www.gentlemenscumbags.com) with our producer, Patrick Melton and special guest, Jonny Loquasto.  J-Lo is a comedian, but he is also the “Mean” Gene Okerlund of NWA Hollywood.  Burns and I took a trip to their TV taping yesterday (see the video) and we’ll be discussing the trip and (of course) all things scummy.    

Click here to subscribe.  It’s not on iTunes, so click there.  Be a gentleman and tune in.

@mike_burns_ and I will be podcasting live TONIGHT at 8PM PST (www.gentlemenscumbags.com) with our producer, Patrick Melton and special guest, Brooks Wheelan.  You might know Brooks as a comedian or because maybe you thought he was Stephanie Tanner from Full House.  Regardless, he’s a good man even though Burns and I will probably shit on him the whole time.   

Click here to subscribe.  It’s not on iTunes, so click there.  Be a gentleman and tune in.