First things first - I’m not very cool. At all. And I’ve accepted that. I don’t look cool. I don’t say cool things. I actually racked my brain to think of one cool thing about myself and came up empty. On the other hand, thinking of uncool things was really easy.
- Last night I talked shit to a professional wrestler from the stage at a comedy show because I wanted to meet him after.
- I got a $68 parking ticket today for parking on the wrong side of the street during street cleaning.
- I emailed my mom an hour ago to brag to her that I had an audition with one of the kids from My Three Sons. And she thought that was ‘awesome.’
- I’m currently wearing a white undershirt that I’d apparently written “BONE ZONE” on in permanent marker.
See. Not cool. And that’s just in the past 17 hours. I’m also sure I’m leaving out a bunch of other uncool shit I’ve done.
But here’s the thing, I’m not sure if I even want to be cool. That’s because I started reading Rolling Stone’s list of the 50 Best Singles of 2011. And I probably knew less than 10 songs.
So here’s what I did - I started previewing them on iTunes. And let me tell you what a load of shitfuck dogpiss and horsecrap all of these songs are. Let me give you an example…
#39 was “California” by EMA. Rolling Stone describes it as, “A mesmerizing rant about West Coast youth from a punk-folk firebrand: ‘Fuck California, you made me boring,’ she sings. Boring? No chance.” Except it IS, Rolling Stone! It’s totally fucking boring! I don’t know the first goddamn thing about EMA, but if that’s the 39th best song of 2011, then all of us should suck our own balls and call it a day. And this was like, the 7th song I’d heard that sounded exactly like this.
Listen to that fucking song! Do it! It’s so goddamn bad. You’ll check out less than a minute in, I promise. You have no idea. Unless you’re some kind of super cool hipster cliche who listens to shit songs like this while you play with your waifish girlfriend’s asymmetrical hair and tell her how much you like her scarves. Fuck this song. Fuck it in the face. “Boring? No chance.” I want to barf in your mouth. Immediately. And it’s #39.
I remember when I bought Pearl Jam’s Vitalogy CD in 1995 because I liked the songs “Nothingman” and “Better Man.” Then I got to track 9, which was “Bugs.” “Bugs” is a waste of everyone’s goddamn time. I remember thinking, “Why did they even put this song on the album?” And I was right. But if “Bugs” came out in 2011, it would have been the #6 song of the year. That’s how terrible everything is.
Luckily Rolling Stone did list “Ric Flair” by Killer Mike at #31 and “Ni**as in Paris” by Jay-Z and Kanye West at #2. Those are the best songs of the year. I don’t even know what’s close. Maybe that Adele person has some jams. I don’t know. But put “Ni**as in Paris” on at a party. People will dance. Then put “California” by EMA on. You’ll be murdered. (Unless you quickly put on “Bugs” by Pearl Jam and it’ll sound amazing by comparison)
Hipster music, much like hipsters themselves, are probably much cooler than me. I just don’t want to be around either at parties. Okay, that’s off my chest. I’m gonna go back to sucking now.