Hey, it’s college football season everybody. And I know that pre-season rankings and whatnot are always wrong (for example, Iowa isn’t even ranked - right, everyone?), but last year I got into so many heated arguments that I thought I’d start it all back up this year. Let’s have a look at this week’s games…
#1 Oklahoma vs. Tulsa
So everybody except for Sports Illustrated seems to think Oklahoma is the best team in the country. Well, they have 8 starters back on offense and 7 back on defense. That includes quarterback Landry Jones, who is supposed to be a Heisman favorite this year. Or at least he should do a better job of getting out of Sam Bradford’s shadow. DeMarco Murray isn’t at running back anymore, so Jones is going to pass more. He has a veteran O line and Ryan Broyles as a huge target down field. We’ll see early on against Florida State how a lot of this shit is going to shake out. They’ll also have potentially huge games down the road with Oklahoma State and Texas A&M. But it’s not like Tulsa is terrible. They’re picked by a lot of people to go to their own conference’s championship game. And Tulsa’s coach swears that GJ Kinne (not Jones or Brandon Weeden of OSU) is the best quarterback in the state of Oklahoma. I doubt it, but we’ll see.
#2 Alabama vs. Kent State
With Courtney Upshaw at linebacker and a crazy D line, Alabama is going to have a great defense. However, they will have some offensive questions. Julio Jones and Mark Ingraham are gone. AJ McCarron and Phillip Sims are going to compete for the quarterback position. But Trent Richardson is back. And it’s not like Nick Saban doesn’t always have sweet-ass recruits to fill in. Plus, they have LSU and Arkansas at home, which doesn’t hurt. I dunno. Last year everyone sucked their balls.
#3 Oregon vs. #4 LSU
Here we go! LaMichael James is back as an early Heisman candidate for an Oregon team that’s under investigation. But Darron Thomas is also one of the best quarterbacks in the country and Kenjon Barner is still there. And Chip Kelly’s offense last year was pretty goddamn fun to watch. The only downside is that they have to replace 3 starters on the O line - which is especially scary considering the strength of LSU’s D line. And a bunch of players on both teams are going to be under suspension, including LSU’s inconsistent quarterback Jordan Jefferson. I don’t know if LSU is going to survive it’s first four games, which also includes Mississippi State and West Virginia. But Les Miles made a deal with the devil or something, so who knows.
#5 Boise State vs. #19 Georgia
Hey, look! Boise State moved to the Mountain West. And they still have Kellen Moore. And Doug Martin. And a good O line. And a good defense. But they lost some good wide receivers and can no longer cheat and wear blue uniforms on their blue turf. SEC fans hate Boise State, so we’ll see what happens against Georgia, who still has Aaron Murray and a pretty balanced offensive attack. And a great schedule, overall. Then again, Boise State tends to do well in their big openers…
#6 Florida State vs. Louisiana-Monroe
FSU and their new quarterback, EJ Manuel have a lot of hype. So does their recruiting class. So does their offensive line. We’re going to find out quickly.
#7 Stanford vs. San Jose State
Jim Harbaugh left to the NFL, but Stanford still has the Heisman favorite, Andrew Luck. But they still need 3 offensive linemen and have unproven receivers.
#8 Texas A&M vs. Southern Methodist
When Ryan Tennehill (and his 65% accuracy) replaced Jerrod Johnson at quarterback, they won 6 games in a row - beating Oklahoma, Nebraska and Texas, before losing to LSU. It should be a Big 12 showdown with them, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State… until A&M leaves for the SEC next year. Southern Methodist isn’t terrible, btw.
#9 Oklahoma State vs. Louisiana Lafayette
The Cowboys are going to score a lot. Justin Blackmon is awesome. He and 27-year-old quarterback, Brandon Weeden will be playing a lot of catch. And they have 5 returning offensive linemen. They do have questions on defense and a conference which also includes A&M and Oklahoma.
#10 Nebraska vs. Chattanooga
The Big Ten has a new team. And it has a monster defense lead by Jared Crick. T-Magic, Taylor Martinez was hurt in the second half of last season, but is now healthy. I’m going to hate them.
#11 Wisconsin vs. UNLV
With Russell Wilson replacing Scott Tolzein, Wisconsin looks to have a high scoring run-first offense. That includes Montee Ball and James White, who were both surprises last year behind John Clay. Jump around, Wisconsin fans. Their run defense still sucks. And Wilson isn’t the most efficient passer. But jump around anyway.
#12 South Carolina vs. East Carolina
You know who’s awesome? Alshon Jeffrey and Marcus Lattimore. They’ll prove it against East Carolina, whose defense is awful. Some new defensive end named Jadeveon Clowney is supposed to be a beast too. This team looks kinda legit, and we’ll see pretty quickly as they play Georgia in week 2.
#13 Virginia Tech vs. Appalachin St.
Logan Thomas might be the real deal at quarterback. MIGHT. And running back David Wilson too. The problem is that the line gives up sacks and Thomas is inexperienced. But - they dominate the ACC every year and they have an easy non conference schedule. Florida State will have a say, but whatever. It’s the ACC.
#14 TCU vs. Baylor
A lot of people think that as long as Gary Patterson is coaching, TCU will be in the hunt. They won the fucking Rose Bowl, man. But the defense will be a little worse, especially in the secondary. And Baylor’s Robert Griffin is pretty awesome.
#15 Arkansas vs. Missouri State
They lost running back Knile Davis, which is huge. They also won’t have Ryan Mallett or 3 starting offensive linemen. They do have Greg Childs and the country’s best trio of receivers. No.
#16 Notre Dame vs. South Florida
Notre Dame is back? Because of Brian Kelly? Or they’re just the trendy pick… But they have a great defense and Dayne Crist back at quarterback, or at least battling for the job with Tommy Rees. South Florida and their running back, Darrell Scott, aren’t terrible. But their QB BJ Daniels might have some problems with ND’s secondary.
#17 Michigan State vs. Youngstown State
Hi, we’re Michigan State. We didn’t play Ohio State last year, but still got to a bowl game, where we were promptly fucked in the face by Alabama. Kirk Cousins doesn’t play well in big games and this year they have the toughest road schedule in their conference. But Cousins will probably be better and Edwin Baker is awesome. But about that O line…
#18 Ohio State vs. Akron
No Jim Tressel. No Terrelle Pryor. Boom Herron, DeVier Posey and some other scumbags are suspended for 5 games. Only 9 starters are returning anyway. And Joe Buserman beat out the freshman Braxton Miller for QB. But OSU are huge cheaters and always have good recruiting classes and they’re defense might be better. God, I fucking hate Ohio State. Hate. Go Akron!
#20 Mississippi State vs. Memphis
They have 16 starters returning and get Alabama and LSU at home. Other than that… I got nothing.
#21 Missouri vs. Miami (OH)
So… they have 9 returning starters on offense and a good defensive front. The new QB is James Franklin, who has some good receivers to throw to. They smell underrated, but we’ll see. Yes, smell.
#22 Florida vs. Florida Atlantic
Florida’s defense has like, zero experience. They play Alabama in the Swamp, but play LSU and Auburn on the road. No.
#23 Auburn vs. Utah State
Cam Newton is gone. They’re under investigation. Gene Chizik is super overrated and their trees are poisoned. They also have to play Arkansas, LSU and South Carolina on the road. No.
#24 West Virginia vs. Marshall
This is interesting. West Virginia has a new offense and Noel Devine is gone, so Geno Smith is going to throw more. And he has good receivers. They have 4 games to figure it out before LSU comes to town. The defense is missing 7 starters though.
#25 USC vs. Minnesota
USC isn’t the same team it used to be. They’ve fallen behind Oregon and Stanford in the Pac-12 and have nothing real to play for because they fucked up. And they’re bad against the run, so Minnesota could actually win.